Continued to be Amazed by the Evidences of His Grace

                     

     through the journey of raising a child with special needs

When I began this blog a couple of years ago, I could have never imagined the callings the Lord would have placed on our family which would inspire my entries.  Since my last blog (which was way too long ago), our family was placed with our second foster child which is our current foster child’s half sibling.  We had the opportunity to love on this sweet baby boy for 8 months during the first year of his life.  While his leaving was incredibly difficulty, I can now see the Lord’s sovereign hand at work and His protection.  Baby boy was reunified with his biological daddy and his wife.  His wife is a humble, sweet spirited lady who loves the Lord and baby J and together they provide a good home where J has thrived and learned of his culture.  Two years later and we are still fostering A and this process has lingered longer than we were hoping, but Lord willing we will soon be adopting her.  She is such a part of our family and I can’t even remember what life was like before she came into our home.  While on this fostering journey, we have also faced a new journey that a parent never anticipates or plans for: raising a child with special needs. Our sweet middle child, Layton, has many strong giftings that we have noticed even a young age.  It was evident as a toddler that the Lord wired him to be very energetic and persistent and passionate and imaginative.  We have seen these giftings evolve in a beautiful way and in a challenging way.  I vividly remember a day when he was 2 years old and in this inconsolable state and my husband looking at me and asking “can 2 year olds be depressed?”  Obviously, we knew it is normal for young toddlers to cry at times inconsolably, but his overall manner was concerning and noticeably different.  With time, behaviors have progressed as has our journey to his healing.  Within the past few months Layton has undergone extensive psychological testing, has been evaluated and under the care of a psychiatrist and a functional neurologist (two completely different worlds of treatment working together), went through educational testing and not to mention the social skills groups and new diets and exercises and electronic free diets and the continued therapies we already had in place.  We have been so blessed by the doors that have been open to us and the amazing specialists who have helped us begin this road to early intervention.   We know that these treatments and therapies are helping him now and will provide a foundation for lifelong tools, but at times it all can be exhausting.  There are days when Layton asks “why?”  Why do I have to go to therapy again?  Why can’t I watch TV?  Why do these doctors think they are in charge of me?  Likewise, there are days when I ask “why”?  Why Lord did you chose us to endure this road?  Why is it so difficult for our family just to get through dinner?  Why do strangers make comments such as “somebody is being a bad boy today” or staring at me in a manner as if I cannot control my out of control child? Why does my typically sweet and affectionate child go into these horrible rages and have such graphic pictures in his head?  Even in my darkest moments and in the midst of my questioning heart, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper and comfort.  I feel his protection even in acknowledging the possibility of lifelong struggles.  Layton may always have to fight against anxiety and depression and impulsive decisions and rapid mood swings and irrational thoughts and obsessive tendencies but we find great hope in knowing that the Lord can heal him from these things.  As a professional working with children with a wide range of disabilities, I find myself skeptical in my prayers of asking for healing.  I too often think what I have been trained to think – most disabilities of sort (physical, developmental, psychological) are lifelong and while they may respond to treatment there is no cure.  I fight my flesh in trusting that the Lord can heal.  And more so, trusting that even if Layton has a lifetime of struggles, our Father is sovereign over that and can work and move and save in a mighty way in his life.  Layton is a fighter and goes to extremes to protect those who are near to him.  As a parent, I feel that God has given him this fighter instinct to equip and prepare him for the battle ahead of him.   Not just the battle against these present struggles, but the battle against his sin and his flesh and the world and the demonic forces that he is sensitive to.   There are moments when all I want do is hold him and tell him, “don’t worry everything is going to be ok.”  And while I do this a lot, I also know the reality that I can’t always be there for him and can’t always protect him.  He has to learn to utilize the tools he’s learning even at this young age and even more so he has to learn to trust that God is always with him and is for his good, even when it’s hard to see.  That doesn’t mean he won’t suffer but as he grows and matures and becomes a Believer he will learn what it looks like to rejoice in his sufferings as he sees our Father’s redemptive work in his life. 

There are days when it is extremely difficult.  And there are days, like today, when I am grateful for the small things.  I rejoice in mealtimes without complete meltdowns and sweet moments when Layton recognizes his own small victories.  Recently, we were at a crowded outdoor public place (nightmare for him) and he was doing really well separating from us and playing with the other kids and he ran up to me with a big smile on his face and said, “I can’t believe it!  This is the first time that I was not afraid of getting lost!”  In that moment, I rejoiced.  I am not sure if I was more excited by the fact that he was enjoying himself and not glued to my side or by the fact that he recognized this milestone.  We are learning to take life one day (and some days one minute) at a time and to recognize and celebrate the small and the big victories.  It is when I am able to take a step back and open my eyes and less busy myself and hear the Holy Spirit,  I am then able to see God’s work and be moved by the many evidences of His grace and mercy and love that He so faithfully and undeservingly pours on us.